final notice

it is not possible to sustain any type of relationship with my mother. our words mean nothing to one another. we are reduced to busted lips and bruised limbs.
she has money.
i have no money and have not heard back from any of the jobs i've applied to.
she is kicking me out at the end of the month, regardless the circumstances.
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"it's over. you're out of my life. i don't want to hear you. i don't want to look at you. i don't want to feed you. i don't like you"-her (it took effort not laugh at the obvious and cruel irony in those statements)
"you shouldn't feel accomplished and think that you've just stated something new. it's been over since high school, you dumb primitive animal."- I
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she has disowned me 5 times since i graduated this past Dec. she has ttempted to give me the silent treatment for the majority of it- she fails her own set of " no contact" rules within a day and then picks an argument with me when i choose to uphold them.
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i say i don't hate her and yet she says all she feels is hate from me. i am told i am loved no matter what happens and yet i feel no love from them.
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she tells me i am sick and have extreme anger issues. she tells me i am an ungrateful child. she tells me i have an incurable mean streak. she tells me i am weak. she tells me i never give back. she tells me i am unfair in most matters. she tells me i don't listen to her. she tells me i have no friends. she tells me im pathetic for not having any friends that have their "shit together". she tells me i am overly dramatic. she tells me i am incompetent. she tells me that she regrets paying for me to go to college. she tells me about how much she gives.
she is a liar.
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i cannot focus in this house. the air in this house is thick with stale words from the past. we can't see or breathe in this house of routine.
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my father will side with her because that is what husbands do. my father has his companion- he will choose her over me- which is good, but hurts like nothing i've ever felt before. it's hard to look him in the eye knowing that he has been intimate with her.
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dad just came home. you have dinner on the stove for him. you're singing a tune from your childhood over the pots pans and television. your sound is passive aggressive and an unhealthy way of asserting your dominance in the house.
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i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here. i am not here.