Preface- I have read a few blogs and wiki articles discussing issues of gender/sexuality and GBLT community and all seem so PC which is great however a little intimidating since this part of me has been on the back burner since _if i were to get really honest in this post_ junior year of high school. Anyway, I can't promise that I will be perfect in my quest to write about this topic and remain completely ignorant/error free. I personally apologize in advance and say that in no way was it meant to offend anyone. Please correct me if you feel the error is inexcusable or just too stupid to even wrap one's head around long enough to continue reading... :/ if you tell me I will correct it.
I hesitate to write about this because my views of myself seem to change frequently throughout a day.
Also, that I constantly tell myself that no matter what I wear or how I look my "to do" list for the day won't change_basically, get the heck over it. That is what an internal monologue on a good day sounds like. A bad day takes 15-20 minutes to build an outfit i feel will match the sometimes stark contrasting roles i will have to play the entire day.
In high school several questions where answered for me. I see that an incredibly pivotal point in my life so far and will forever be incredibly thankful to all those involved. In short: It was perfectly okay for me to be attracted to females and not have to dress a certain way because of it and to not be "loud" about it.
None of my posts here have ever been this detailed on the topic. Partly because I came to the conclusion that I was going to have to okay with who I was because this is who I am and will continue to be regardless the circumstances. Maybe that sounds incredibly naive, somewhat of a band-aid statement, and terribly stubborn but it is one that has helped deal with almost everything i've ever encountered (note that I didn't include "everyone" alongside "everything").
Everything being a cleft lip and palate kid focused on overcoming all that came with that- scars, braces and face masks, and the infamous speech impediment. And being the token Asian kid in a primarily black k-8 public school followed by token Asian in college too. it happens and there are far worse stories_all things considered, i've been stupid lucky.
Anywho-
I noticed my weight and body type when I was 13 at my first sleep away camp. Twelve girls in one bunk bed lined cabin for 3 weeks. It was getting dressed in the morning and undressed at night with girls wearing cute undies under really revealing shorts and training bras with tight shirts did I notice my flat chested no-bra, loose shirt, full coverage, knee-length shorts self. I looked in the mirror above the elastic waistband and was disgusted.
I guess I decided to write this since i've taken to swimming. Along with swimming in pools in public areas comes the mandatory swim suit. As much displeasure the suit has caused me, it did bring to light the important and until now overlooked correlation between by sexuality and weight struggles.
I do not have the same body I did when I was a teenager...or even at 20.
i have never been fat and always been a tom-boy. in high school i experienced an addiction to working out and anorexia. I hate(d) my hips and "large" behind. Being emaciated thin kept everything small and curve-less and gave the appearance of more muscle definition. While at college I have experienced being the largest and unhealthiest I've ever been and the thinnest and hungriest. As it turns out, of course, I love food and at heart am a Foodie. Today I am 5 pounds (give or take 5 pounds on a 5'2" frame is noticeable) from the most i have ever weighed but probably the healthiest i've ever been. My weight is shifting to new locations... I am gaining a more typical female figure...i do not shun it but i am not welcoming it with open arms either. With the figure comes a type of attention I am not used to receiving.
I don't know who I want to attract let alone what to wear in order to attract them long enough to get to the more important part: a conversation.
Being healthy is a little bittersweet.
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i am so incredibly relieved to hear you acknowledge your past & present perceptions of your body, and to have them cast in a new light for myself. please know that i love and support you always, and if there is anything i can do to support you more actively, all you need to do is ask.
ReplyDeletei am so proud of you. =)
:) thanks for acknowledging the effort it took in deciding to press the *post* button.
ReplyDeleteAurora,
ReplyDeleteI was catching up on your entries this morning and this one leaped off the page at me. Thank you so much for having the courage to post this. I really mean that - thank you. I relate to some of what you've written here, especially the comment that "being healthy is a little bittersweet" (though you'd never know it to look at me now.) I didn't find any of your comments offensive. You've shared a piece of your truth and I feel privileged to have been able to read it.
~B.