Ruminating in the Backseat

(im kind of still bitter...idk how much of this i actually mean and/or will stand by tomorrow or the years that will follow those days to come.)

He sat on the lazy boy across from me in his tux shirt and pants nursing his nightcap (scotch on the rocks) as SNL pulled laughter out of our tight chests and tense shoulders.

I am the soul cause for why it feels as if your "perfect and lovely" 40 year marriage is hitting a rough spot.
It's obvious how cold and removed she can be with him. She tells him good news about a job she just got and immediately after he leans in to give a brief but proud kiss on the cheek she makes a statement that down plays her good news while creating physical distance between them.
Emotional and physical closeness seems to clearly be on her terms only.

"You're a coward."
"Did it ever to occur to you that I actually agree with your mother?"
"You really are sick in the head."
He can't see how him siding with her without hearing me out is one of the few pillars left holding up the marriage. When I am gone and out of the house then it will be the stress from her job or taking care of her mother that will unleash the same woman he is growing to dislike now and yet defend. You must feel so torn.
I am sorry for playing an active role in the confusion and hurt we inflict on one another daily.
The cycle so simple it's stupid.

I read somewhere that when we look for mates the first thing we usually look for (consciously or not) and what matters most is how kind we perceive the other person to be.

"You call your mother names and tell her to shut the f up all the time."
"If I told you the things she said that provoked all of that...then...you wouldn't recognize her."

I read somewhere that if a couple is having marriage issues it's healthy and positive for their relationship to find one shared dislike_easy common ground.
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Yes, I feel like a scapegoat_maybe it's actually me playing the victim card...it's probably the ripe old victim card since in order to be a scapegoat one can't be aware that they are the fall guy, right?
haha idk. i think im a nut through and through.
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there has been an established codependency between her mother and herself that is fueled by guilt from the past. both will most likely and unfortunately go down on that ship together. though, hopefully not.
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It's taken a lot of quiet thinking for me to realize that all of these complaints/grievances above don't have define who I am outside of those specific relationships. That realization is just a launching pad for continued study of how it effects me interacting with everyone (more specifically the health of my romantic life). My upbringing or any part of my past in general (familial or not) is neither a precursor nor a factor that predetermines the future me.
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If you are deaf to my earnest and sincere apologies then what hope is there for me ever being able to fulfill the roles you need me to play in order for you to be okay?