Seething

verbally raped in "conversation"
-
I am a rational being. I am not an ass-hole.
-
A conversation is all parties involved sharing what they know and then deciding how or whether or not it all fits together.
-
"STOP talking like that. you're weird."- my mom
I hear that a lot from her...im just being factual and rational (trying to remain as objective as possible).

My biggest complaint is that she pays no attention to detail- when i was little (all of elementary school) it used to really bother me that she couldn't remember any of my closest friend's names- the kids i talked about most. i would have birthday parties and she would screw the pronunciation of their names up/ or just pick some arbitrary name (a name i've never even mentioned to her) in front of their own parents... ___she can't say "corrinne" "jamal" or "cherise"___honestly.
it's/ was hard for me not to see that as a lack of respect and effort and care to get to know the company i keep.
it wasn't occasional...frequency and intensity. she didn't even try.

She's too emotional.
Her raised voice is not yelling my raised voice is...wtf. really.
-----

I show my parents that I CARE and take them seriously by Not Wasting their money; this does not fly with them because if they were to accept this they would not be able take on the Parental Marty for your Child role.

I tell them i am really freaking out about how much grad school is going to cost me...they say not to worry about it. I say thank you and spend the whole day researching more accurate costs for the coming year...i write it all down and do the totals and serve them the differences. They say that they pay for it because they love me...that statement is just as truthful as my want to please them. They see this as me doing something i have to do- yes, this is what i have to do anyway... so they give me no credit for that effort.

i don't have much to give right now except my earnest effort not to fail and have their money spent on me lost in vain. i don't know what they want from me..."what do you want?"-them. "just to go to school...and if i don't have the money then i guess im not equipped to go yet...and im ok with that"-me. "we're helping you pay for it because we love you. don't be an ass-hole."-them. What would any one make of a conversation like that?

Final Cut Pro is $300. My dad says taht is chicken scratch- i say- not when im making only 900 a month...

it's all so contradictory and twisted self-rightiousness. yet...completely black and white.
it's trying to maintain continuous, as loud as you can, screaming all the while sprinting up a steep hill.

"By December...if you give the program everything you have- You will be leagues from where you are now."- academic adviser/ program chair

i want grad school to be the best thing i've ever done for myself.