Duh

The goal of this spring semester being a success, until now, had been an after thought. Actually, I was in a complete funk. I wasn't producing the level of work I know I am capable of. All of the yucky feelings of inadequacy along with fear of disinterest in a field that has me in a very expensive program... were starting to slowly eat away at me and the enamel of my teeth every time i had to talk about it.

Specifically, one of the classes that I'm in is with a incredibly renowned photography editor. I was so focused on maybe not so much his approval...more...Well, ever since starting the program I've done everything with the underlying "I must earn my keep" attitude. Anyway, I was over focused on not wanting to waste his time by bringing to class poor images.

side note about bad photos: Like most photographers, I get off on good images. It is a very physical sensation for me. If I let myself go for a certain amount of time without producing a certain number of images that please me, I might as well have gone a year without, say sex.  There is no such thing as a mediocre image. Yes, there are near misses that I suffer and mourn quietly in my sleep (ha)....but they will never see the light of day. I either had IT or I didn't. Anything but IT is shit.

Today's conversation with this professor needed to happen. Today I was able to let him know that the frustration with my project so far was mutual. I was able to let him know that any project I take on is not just an assignment but an actual portfolio piece. I needed him to see my project from last semester so he could know where my skills (visually, compositionally, editing, toning of images and my personal aesthetic) actually are at so that he can better help me. It needed to be made known that any image I post online is with the intent to prove that I am competent behind my camera; "Beat your camera into submission." as people in the program word it.

Things that have been taught and reaffirmed for me from this class so far:

Know your camera, but more importantly Learn how you respond and how you express yourself. An image is taken because you are responding to something. If the image does not convey to the viewer that experience I had, then I've failed. Everything within the frame of the image should prove that I was intentional.  Every fiber of your perceptive being has to be present to recognize the moment were that IT image happens. The IT image being when subject and circumstance collide.

Photography is finally becoming an experience were the weight of my own personal approval of the end product is as important as the approval from others. never before has the ratio been so relatively balanced.

Visual journalism is the way I best know how to relate, connect, care, and experience everything outside of me, myself included.  There is codependency(?) between me and the work I produce with my camera. My camera does me little good if I don't have my shit together and myself focused.

My camera keeps my sense of wonder about the world intact.